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when a comment should be a journal post


This is the kind of comment I'm prone to leaving on people's journals when my brain gets away from me. I didn't even realise how much I'd typed until I hit post.

But, since I've written all this, I may as well post it like I said I actually should. That way y'all can share in my mental rambling too. You're welcome.

"as much grief as they cause each other, they can’t really exist outside the bond they have. I think to ever have true and complete happiness, Dean would have to safely somehow have both, and as it’s been pounded into our skulls over and over the last 5 years, that just ain’t in a hunter’s cards. The best you can hope for is periods of peace, and treasure them when they come."

There's something, somewhere in this, that irrevocably makes this my Show. Not buying into the idea of the happy ending (... shutup, Dean), but that life is as you take it, what you make it with the people you love. No matter the circumstances. There's something so ... lacking in BS about that philosophy. There's more to it, of course, but ... *contented sigh*

I love that Sam, like Veritas, compelled truth. Without ever asking for it. In fact, Sam, more than Veritas, compelled truth from someone who didn't want and didn't have to give it to him. That's my kind of dark!Sam.

I really appreciated what you said about the Sam and Dean relationship at this point, especially how Dean relaxed and the old patterns partially re-emerged. It's kind of a promise, or at least a basis for hope. Also, I want to take this whole mess of a dynamic and shake it at people and say THIS IS WHY SAM DIDN'T TELL DEAN HE WAS BACK UNTIL HE HAD TO. DUH PEOPLE.

This was inevitable. From the moment he comes back, knows there's something wrong with him, he refuses to make himself Dean's problem again. He KNEW it would become either/or for Dean, and he KNEW that Dean, being Dean, could not help but choose to save Sam. He keeps his freaky brokenness from Dean as long as he possibly can, and only asks for help once he's outed. S1&2, anyone? S4&5? There was no doubt how this would go, and Sammy didn't want it for either of them.

In all the discussion of this (and I admit I haven't read much), I've seen a lot about what's going on there between them, but I haven't seen anyone discuss the secondary dynamic that contributing to Dean's final reaction. How much he lost in this episode, how much Sam cost him. Granted, the moment Sam had to step in to save Dean's life in 601, Sam knew Lisa and Ben were over. He was just waiting for Dean to realise it too, and was a little baffled by how long Dean was taking to do so, because it's been a long time and he's forgotten what it was like to see Jess and everything she represented in his life go up in flames.

Dean may have been half a man when living with Lisa and Ben, but he was receiving things he'd never had before, things he only really saw the value of once he lost them. Sam's decision put them in danger, and forced the conclusion Dean had been trying to deny, but subconsciously knew was inevitable. So there's that. And then comes Sam's plea for help ... and in one line of dialogue Dean is dragged, screaming, back into the hell of the past five seasons. Of not knowing what's wrong with Sammy. Of that always-too-heavy burden of saving Sammy clamping back down solely on his shoulders. Of all these things they seemed to have escaped, that the last five episodes seemed to promise were done forever.

Now – I'm not saying that is literally the case. There's Bobby, for a start, and that's not nothing. And then there's Sam, who was determined to save himself this time, and I don't think that's nothing either. Saving Sammy is going to be a partnership of equals this time, or I'll ... I don't know, write a fic. Any prompt, any character, any theme. (My hat's too nice to eat.) But none of that matters or even registers to Dean right now. Just as Sam was dragged back into the old patterns of family when he lost Jess (even as the old patterns began to change), so it is with Dean now. And he reacted accordingly. Unlike Sam, he could clearly identify the culprit and handily had him standing right in front of him as it happened.

... I am so sorry. I need to write less, or at least take my verbal incontinence to my own journal, where it belongs. :/

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January 2016
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