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omg, Eliot's ded!

Title: The Miracle Fix
Ficverse: Leverage & The Princess Bride
Series: The Princess Bride Job, 12/18
Rating: Gen / PG-13
Length: 1700 ish / 29,500 ish
Characters: Team Leverage, Westley, Buttercup, Humperdinck, Inigo, Fezzik, Miracle Max
Summary: Fencing. Fighting. Torture. Revenge. Giants. Monsters. Chases. Escapes. True love. Miracles. And hitter, hacker, grifter, thief, mastermind.
Notes: We desperately need some kind of snarky miracle worker at this point, methinks.
Disclaimers: Yeah. None of it's mine, apart from the idea to mix'n'match, and in abstract that's not mine either. I am now directly lifting some lines from the PB screenplay, as if anybody can't tell.
Spoilers: Most of The Princess Bride, eventually.
Concrit: go for it

Previously, on "The Princess Bride Job":
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve
The brute squad had been all over the place, swarming the Thieves’ Forest since midday. Their sweeps were making it difficult for Parker to scout the area to find where the Albino disposed of bodies. She couldn’t stay near the entrance to the Pit and keep watch, either.

From the moment Rugen confirmed Eliot was dead, even Hardison was having trouble keeping her from just suicidally storming the place. Not being able to do anything, after listening to ... it was driving her crazy.

“~Uh – Parker? What’s going on?~” Hardison had been monitoring the video, to make sure they didn’t move him or dump him or do anything else with his body.

“What?” she asked impatiently.

“~There are guys in the Pit.~”

Parker doubled back immediately. “The Albino?”

“~No.... I think it’s Montoya and Fezzik.... What the hell?~” Hardison asked, completely confused.

“~What? What’s going on?~” asked Nate.

Caught by Eliot’s bud, the voices of the intruders drifted over coms. Fezzik spoke first, low and doleful. “~He’s dead.~”

Parker’s jaw clenched painfully, and she ran faster.

“~Just is not fair....~” That was Inigo, sounding more disgruntled.

“~What?~” Nate asked. “~Why would.... What is going on?~”

Hardison was just as dumbfounded as Nate. “~I ... do not know.~”

Back in the Pit, Inigo was still talking. “– taken defeat easily. Come along, Fezzik. Bring the body.~”

“~The body?~”

“~Have you any money?~”

“~I have a little.~”

“~I just hope it’s enough to buy a miracle, that’s all.~”

Hardison confirmed what was happening on his screen. “~They’re taking him.~”

“~Did he say miracle?~” asked Nate, in some perplexion.

Parker arrived at the grove just in time to see the giant emerge, manhandling Eliot’s body out of the small opening in the tree and then carelessly slinging it over one arm, where it dangled limply. Inigo followed him out. She raged, wanting to make them put him down. Right now. As painfully as possible. Whatever they thought they were doing with him, she was going to make them think twice.

“Nate, I got them. You want me to...?”

Nate’s voice carried the strain they were all feeling. “~I ... uh.... Not yet. Follow them. Westley, how mobile are you? Can you go back Parker up?~”

“~Of course.~”

“~Okay. Let’s find out what they’re doing first. Unless they look like they might....~”

Parker nodded. He didn’t have to finish the sentence. Let them just try anything at all....


Hardison did a double-take on his second screen, which was showing video from the castle, and groaned. “Oh, now what?”

Nate joined him to see Humperdinck and Buttercup, having what looked like an argument. Hardison brought up the audio feed.

“– married tonight,” Humperdinck was saying. “Tomorrow morning, your men will escort us to Florin Channel, where every ship –”

No.” It was said simply, but with a finality which gave even Humperdinck pause.

Hardison frowned, still seething. “What the hell is going on? I thought Sophie had him on the hook!”

“~I did. I do,~” Sophie insisted. “~What is it?~”

“Looks like Humperdinck is trying to marry Buttercup right now,” said Nate, grabbing a change of clothes. “See if you can find out why.”

Westley joined the general alarm. “~He’s what?~”

I will not ever marry you,” Buttercup had said, making Humperdinck go red.

He loomed over her threateningly. “May I ask why not? You seemed perfectly happy to, yesterday!

“Er, don’t worry,” said Nate, rushing out the door. “I’m heading over.”

Buttercup lifted her chin. “I was never happy. No one like you could ever make me so!

Someone like me?

Hardison had zoomed in on the image, peering at it. “Nate? I think Rugen’s there, lurking in the corner.”

“~Well, that has to mean something. Hardison, can you go back through the audio? Maybe we picked them up talking about it.~”

Buttercup was not backing down one inch. “– nothing but a coward, with a heart full of fear.”

Humperdinck snatched her arm, almost purple with rage. “I would not say such things if I were you!

Why not? You can’t hurt me. You know nothing of true love or heroism. And when I say you are a coward, that is only because you are the slimiest weakling ever to crawl the earth!

Hardison couldn’t help but smile at that. “Wow. Girl’s got bite.”

“~Yes, she does,~” said Westley.

The small triumph of the moment was short-lived. “Yeah ... uh, guys? I think he’s – yeah – he’s locking her up, in her bedroom.”

“~What does that mean? Is he still going to try to marry her?~” Nate asked, a little out of breath.

“How am I supposed to know?”

“~Just – keep watching him, and find out what he and Rugen talked about. And Sophie – ~”

“~On it,~” she said.

Hardison started tracking back along the prince’s path with the mics, muttering savagely under his breath. “What the hell is going on?”


At the door of a decently roomy hovel, on the edge of the Thieves’ Forest, Inigo and Fezzik were trying to gain entrance.

“We need a miracle. It’s very important,” Inigo was insisting, to a man who could barely be seen through a small hatch in the door.

“Look, I’m retired,” the man said discouragingly. “And besides, why would you want someone the King’s stinking son fired? I might kill whoever you wanted me to miracle.”

Inigo persisted. “He’s already dead,” he said reasonably.

The wizened old face registered interest for the first time. “He is, huh? I’ll take a look. Bring him in.”

Inside, Fezzik laid the body on a workbench, while the other two gathered around it. None of them noticed Parker slip in and hide in the corner, not even Fezzik when he came back to close the door.

The miracle man picked up a wrist and let it fall back to the table, then frowned and looked at the face for the first time. His generous eyebrows shot up in surprise, and he stared at Inigo.

“What –”

With a huge gulp of air, Eliot convulsed and heaved upward, arms flailing. The elderly miracle man leapt with startling speed to support him, seizing a bowl and holding it in front of him. Eliot retched once and spat the remains of some kind of pill into it, then sagged into a sitting position, scrunching his eyes open and closed.

As soon as he had his eyes in order, he squinted at the man helping to hold him up. “Max?”

Inigo, who had jerked back in surprise, was now staring at Miracle Max, open-mouthed. “You truly are amazing!”

Eliot’s voice was croaky. “What am I doing here?”

Max shrugged, plainly clueless. “How do I know? Your knucklehead friends here thought you were really dead, and brought you to me. You musta sold it very well.”

“My friends?” Eliot looked from Fezzik to Inigo, puzzled. “O-kay....”

The next instant was filled with a flashing movement of blond hair across the room, and then Eliot staggering under the full impact of Parker, who threw her arms around him.

“You’re okay,” she said, in a little strangled voice.

Eliot gave a long ooph, then weakly wrapped his arms around her and hugged back. “Yeah, Parker. I’m okay.”

“You were only faking, right?” she asked anxiously, still holding on tight.

Eliot smiled. “Only faking.”

She nodded, and drew back, the hurt still haunting her eyes. “I wasn’t sure.... It sounded so ... real.”

He patted her gently as he released her, pushing back his own old memories. “I know. It had to.”

– –
[Flashback: earlier, in the Pit]

Eliot is saying, “... in case you were wondering, Nate, being tortured is not that fun. For that matter, neither’s dying.”

“~Yeah, okay, but big picture, here. You said it yourself, we have at least a couple of days while they heal you up.~”

“~I don’t know about this, Nate,~” Sophie joins in. “~What if you’re wrong?~”

Parker jumps down from fixing Hardison’s spy cam to the wall. “Then they’ll kill Eliot to death.”

“~Wait! – That’s it,~” Nate suddenly says. “~We just kill Eliot first ... yeah. Perfect.~”

Eliot pauses, then seeks clarification. “Killing me is perfect how, exactly?”

Hardison weighs in. “~You wouldn’t be so cranky all the time, for instance.~”

Nate carries on with his usual enthusiasm. “~Yeah, no – we just fake your death and retrieve you when they dump your body.~”

“~Ah, gotta love the classics,~” says Hardsion whimsically.

“~Eliot?~” Nate asks, seeking his assessment.

Eliot sighs; to give their mastermind his due, if he says no, Nate would probably find another solution. Probably. He gives in. “Yeah. If Parker and Hardison can figure out how to sabotage the Machine without Rugen being able to tell, I can make it work. And I know a guy. Miracle Max. He’ll have what we need....”
– –

Nate broke in. “~Eliot, good to have you back. Not to spoil your return to the living or, yeah, anything, but how do you feel about mounting an assault on the castle?~”

Eliot screwed up his face, resisting the full meaning of the words for a second. Then, tiredly, he asked, “What?”

“~Yeah, things are kind of moving here. Humperdinck may be trying to marry Buttercup in a little less than half an hour, Sophie’s gone to find out why. So all we have to do is get you guys in so we can break up the wedding, steal the princess, make our escape – after we discredit Humperdinck so he can’t do anything with it.~”

“And I kill Count Rugen,” said Parker.

Eliot protested, but mildly. “Hey, I’m the one he tortured to death. Sort of.”

Inigo cleared his throat, and they turned to see him gesturing emphatically at himself with both hands. “I am the one who needs to avenge my father, murdered these twenty years,” he said, in pointed reminder.

Eliot and Parker raised eyebrows at each other, and Parker shrugged, conceding his claim. “Sure.”

Eliot didn't seem to have many objections either. “Fair enough.”


A/N: So I tried the sneaky flashback thing, although I have no idea how it reads (having known about it the whole time...) because at the end of the day I couldn't torture Eliot to death I just DIDN'T HAVE THE HEART


Chapter Thirteen


( 6 speakses — have a speak )
Apr. 18th, 2010 01:26 pm (UTC)
Oooh, I totally did not see that twist coming! Faking Eliot's death after sabotaging the Machine seems so obvious in retrospect, which I guess is the definition of a good twist ;-) I was wondering how Miracle Max would be able to revive Eliot without an actual miracle pill...

I'm just amazed at all the little changes that still work so well, like Nate having to do Inigo's 'let me sum up' speech detailing the insane plan for 'storming the castle'. And now I'm really curious to find out what made Humperdinck go back to the marrying Buttercup plan!
Apr. 19th, 2010 03:14 am (UTC)
Hopefully all the motives will be made clear - and make sense!

I'm really glad the twist worked. \o/ I was debating whether to go with it, but then figured I may as well fail by trying for something outside my writing comfort zone as fail by tamely staying inside it.

You know, when I was putting Inigo's speech in Nate's mouth, I was amazed at how much it sounds like the kinds of plans he does come up with on a regular basis. One more proof, if I needed it by now, that the Leverage universe and Princess Bride universe are narratively not very far apart at all.
Aug. 4th, 2011 06:36 am (UTC)
Hee. I like your version, better; I'm glad you didn't kill Eliot. :-)
Aug. 5th, 2011 04:37 am (UTC)
ME TOO I couldn't do it to him. He gets so beat up on by fan fiction and even canon ... the guy just needs a break every now and then!
Apr. 14th, 2015 06:32 pm (UTC)
Aww,I kind of miss the haranguing wife and the miracle, but admit that it makes sense they'd find a way around the machine. I think the flashback works, very Leverage appropriate. I was just looking forward to Mrs Max chasing him taunting, "Humperdink, Humperdink, Humperdink!" Mostly because it makes me desperately want am hp crossover with her taunting him with Voldemort instead. Been trying to come up with a large premise for ages just to get myself that scene... Err,not that that had anything to do with anything. I also had a bet with myself about what Spencer's reason for living would be. Oh well! It totally makes sense as is.
Apr. 15th, 2015 11:40 am (UTC)
Yeah, I couldn't quite make an actual resurrection (even from *mostly* dead) fit in the Leverage universe, it was just one bridge too far for suspension of disbelief. (I've read HP but never really got into it, but that scenario sounds amusing :))

I also had a bet with myself about what Spencer's reason for living would be.

Well, now you've got me curious, if you feel like sharing!
( 6 speakses — have a speak )

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